Time to be Transparent...

I have been mulling this over in my mind trying to decide if I am ready to share what I am still attempting to process and accept. And since you are reading this, you know what my choice is, it is time to share-time to be transparent. As many of you had read earlier this week, I shared briefly how I have been struggling with illness this past year, but the cause has been a mystery. I have been to the Drs a few times to try and figure it out, but nothing was showing up to explain the extreme exhaustion that had left me sick feeling so often. It was difficult sometimes to not struggle with the mental questions of "is it all in my head" or "am I just a big wimp!" But my prayer became "Lord, help me to recognize symptoms that can be clearly shared with the Dr." This week was the Lord's timing for these things to come to light. I am so thankful for an explanation but I am grappling with the lifelong diagnoses and trying to "rest" in Him. I was diagnosed with a heart condition called tachycardia and will need to take medication for the remainder of life from what I understand at this point. Basically my heart never rests, The 24 hour heart monitoring I went through showed that I do not have a resting rate ever, even when I am sleeping (and let me say, that was minus caffeine or any other stimulants.) My lower heart chambers are in turn also beating before my upper chambers making the flip flop sensation I have been experiencing multiple times a hour.

My first question as difficult as it was, did I cause this-diet, not enough exercise, stress. Answer was --NO, but do I need to be mindful of all of those-OH YES, especially now!!! I am going to have to make some lifestyle changes to stay as healthy as possible. The good thing about that is, I should now have the energy and hope to do that! Wahoo! What a difference I am looking forward to!!

I am finding comfort and courage and HOPE in this piece of scripture which I was blessed to receive via text from my Dad just before I went in for my Drs appointment. It was so good to sit in the car with my Bible and hear from the Lord while so much was on my mind.

2 Cor 4 16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I will now be laying some of my sorrows surrounding this at His feet but also be remembering the blessings poured out for me. I appreciate the heart God has given me and how hard it has been working in me. I dare not take it for granted. I appreciate my Dr and how she has worked along side me and listened carefully to my concerns and struggles. Today is a good day and tomorrow will be better! What a relief for my soul. Just thought I would share!

A Masterpiece to Cherish...

This past year has been a difficult year physically. I have not shared much outside of a few close friends and even then health issues were a mystery and difficult to figure out let alone explain. So after more struggle these past few days, a string of Drs appointments begin tomorrow for me. The first being an EKG and 24 hour Holt monitor to determine what has been going on with my heart these past 6 months. Part of me hoping they find something to explain this year, but also hoping it is not serious at the same time. Life has been so "stop and go" for me- working hard when I am feeling well because there is no telling how long that will last, which also means the same for the kiddos and Matt. I went through it again yesterday and today. We had been to church in the morning, I was great, spent the afternoon outside in the back yard and smack! It hit me like a truck in the middle of working in the garden. I was doubled over in pain within a few minutes and it has taken me all of today to recoup from it. Well tonight Matt helped me run the errands I needed to. I wasn't sure I could do the driving and all the walking, so he was my comfort and help. With his help, I accomplished what needed to be done. We even managed to slip in our Monday night dinner out together which I hate missing now that our kiddos are getting older and it is difficult to find time to talk and be alone together. When we returned home, I found this beautiful masterpiece in my room. It had been made by my daughter madison after she had put the younger kiddos to bed.

It read...

Dear Momma,

I could travel the entire world,

top to bottom,

core to crust,

ground to heavens,

and not find a greater mom than you.

I love you, get well soon.

Now I am far from the perfect mom,

and struggle so often

and the older the kiddos get, the more I know they see my flaws,

but oh how I treasure things such as this that is so not deserved!

I have learned from difficult pregnancies and the inability to care for my kiddos the way I wanted to during them, that the Lord has a plan for each of us and will not leave us during those hard times. We will get through and will do our best to make the most out of it. And my children will grow and have joy even when mama is not 100%.