It Is Never Boring...

Today I had to have labs drawn and my PICC line sight care done. When my nurse was here, I mentioned to her that I was feeling and hearing the flushing of my line, in my neck. She immediately did a check on my line and there was no blood return meaning the line had migrated outside the vein. With a quick call to my Dr, we were to have it immediately pulled. Fortunately my nurse was able to do it here at home. So after making Matt leave the room so he would not pass out, she removed the stitches and pulled the line. Fortunately there was no resistance, which would have meant another hospital visit. My Dr wants me to see how I feel tomorrow before having another PICC put in. If I am able to maintain fluid, food and my potassium level, I may actually be free of this so much earlier than expected!! But I have had PICC lines pulled too early and I tend to relapse pretty quickly. We are praying for continued healing as I am now cold turkey on fluids and meds. Early pregnancy for us is never boring, but I am so looking forward to boring!! Thank you to all of you who are praying so faithfully!!

A Long Month...

It has been so long since I have shared an update on my pregnancy. It has been an incredibly difficult month and I have been unable to manage even sitting up to type. But I am finally beginning to see the healing of the Lord in my body. And felt I should take a bit of energy to share.

In my last post, I mentioned eating a meal and keeping it down, that meal was the last until just a few days ago. I very quickly spiraled into a very difficult stage of the hyperemesis. Each time I attempted a small amount of food, it came right back up. I was vomiting up to 10 times a day even without food. After about a week and a half of small attempts at food, I gave up from the pain and intense nausea. I went into a 10 day period of absolutely no food or liquid. I was completely dependant on the PICC line to keep me hydrated. But I dropped weight very rapidly. I was weighing in once a week at the Drs office and was being watched closely. Eventually I began to miss my weigh in because I was way too sick to even get dressed and sit in the car.

Christmas Eve Matt had to take me to the ER due to what appeared to be an infection starting in my PICC line. Lots of tests and discussion about admission to the hospital, but after a round of IV antibiotics, my initial tests came back neg for infection, and we made it home in the middle of the night on Christmas. My folks had just spent the afternoon with us to celebrate Christmas, and as soon as they returned home, they turned back around to come and stay with the kids while we were in the hospital.

Christmas was hard, I was completely unable to participate with the kids and Matt. I took alot of tears to let go of that. Matt did a fabulous job at making it special for the kids-what an amazing gift he is. But I am so looking forward to next year!!

Matt went back to work after the New Year and I struggled with my inability to take care of the kids. My parents thankfully come out one day a week and help with everything. We have our church family providing meals daily and dear friends taking care of our groceries. The kids have been struggling but are doing their best to work together to pitch in around the house.

On Tuesday this past week when my folks were out, I was able to muster enough strength to get to my weigh in with Matt's help. The weigh in became proof of how bad things had gotten. I had dropped 22 lbs in a matter of 5 weeks. The nurse was concerned with how badly I was doing and called the Dr who ordered lab work. We went home and I began to keep down a bit of crackers and sprite, which was huge. Wednesday afternoon we got an unexpected emergency call from my Dr saying I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately. My labs had shown a dangerously low level in my potassium. We later learned after getting settled in at the hospital that this was risky for my heart. Potassium is also a tricky thing to bring back up and has to be closely monitored because too much too fast could stop my heart. When My Dr came in she gave us to honest scoop, the severity of my hyperemisis is rarely seen and not many Drs have dealt with it. She was working hard to round up a team of Drs that could work together to try and get it under control. It appeared I was going to need TPN(an IV form of nutrition) but even the GI Dr at the hospital did not want to touch my case. We learned quickly how difficult TPN is to regulate in a pregnant women. So, they brought in the High Risk OB Dr to work with us, the hospital specialist, and my awesome Dr of course. So we took it a step at a time. I had my first round of potassium replacement overnight. In the morning labs showed I was still way too low-which meant a longer stay. But I was still vomit free and the Dr gave me the go ahead to try some food. I ordered a meal and did not eat much, but I kept it down!! So, at dinner time, I ordered another meal, again, didn't eat a whole lot, but! I kept it down!! The second round of potassium was infused that night and we were so hopeful I could go home, but labs the next day were still really low. But, by this point, my Drs were beginning to have the same hope as we did, that we would be able to bypass the TPN and that despite the struggle with my potassium, I was starting to turn the corner. By the time it was all said and done, I ended up being in the hospital for almost 4 full days. My potassium is at a safe level now, and as long as I do not start vomiting, I can be at home and have potassium supplements through my PICC line to maintain it. I ended up eating 7 meals in the hospital and held them all down. The difference in my stamina is incredible. When I came home yesterday, I was able to actually hug my kiddos for real and take a shower by myself. The adjustment is still difficult, I cannot do much at all and my nausea is still a struggle. The pressure of holding my food down was a bit overwhelming last night-I hate the idea of landing in the hospital again-but I did manage to get to sleep with a full belly.

My hospital stay was a combination of all kinds of emotions. My folks came right back out to stay with the kids for the week so Matt could split his time between work and hospital. He could have stayed the nights with me, but I told him to go home. My nights were pretty restless and I had nurses coming in at all hours of the night, so he would have not gotten any sleep. Two of the days, the kids came for short visits. The first visit, Noah was pretty funny. He crawled in bed with me and said "so where is the baby?" I was staying in the maternity wing of the hospital, so there were endless new little ones around. The second time they came, Noah crawled in bed right away, under the covers and kicked off his shoes. He was content to just cuddle up with me. I ate it up. Our family of 7 fills that little hospital room up pretty full. I think when the baby is born, we will have to take shifts for visits, otherwise it gets a bit busy. It was good to see the kids here and there, gave me something to look forward too during those long, lonely days. Our Pastor came to visit the night I was admitted, and it was so good to know we had a family of God praying for healing! It was pretty neat to see Him work through all of the details, I had plenty of time to talk with the Lord while I was there. I am only eleven weeks right now, but they were able to find the babies heartbeat with a normal heart monitor-that was wonderful to hear. Mom and Dad came to visit one of the days as well, which the company was much appreciated. Since I was there 4 days, I met a good amount of their nursing staff in the maternity wing, which will be nice when we come back to have the baby. It was a bit difficult hearing all of the babies come in and out, knowing I still had such a long road ahead, but it also gave me something to look forward to.

Friday night, my OB Dr peeked in to see how I was. I think her first response jokingly was, "I hear you pulled a whopper thing again" See, she has been my OB for the past 10 years, and in my pregnancy with Bell, I of course was super sick and had a PICC line that time as well. One of my visits, when she asked how I was feeling, I announced "I ATE A WHOPPER!!!" which signified I had taken a big turn in direction and it has been a running joke ever since. So, the fact that I had come in basically in the fetal position on Wednesday and was sitting up in bed eating a hamburger on Friday night, the joke was completely appropriate. And I could have burst into tears with how grateful I was for her at that moment!

I have a long way to go still, any activity tends to overwhelm me physically, so I am trying to take it slow. My mind is starting to recover from being in a very dark place for this past month. I still have overwhelming aversions to food, smells, even conversations about food. I am not able to process yet "what do you want to eat?" Attempting to think about food to eat, makes me very nauseated. But looking at a menu seems to help-I can quickly weed through and allow my body to direct what will sit with me. I will most likely eat the same few things for quite awhile, but know from experience, that will gradually fade. I will have the PICC line for quite some time still. I would not be able to stay hydrated enough without it. It also helps deliver meds that are necessary right now since taking anything orally is such a risk for relapse.

The Lord has provided patience and grace for those who cannot understand this. It is just too rare even for most Drs to have a good grasp on. I have to smile and chuckle when a Dr or nurse hands me an information packet on "morning sickness" I wish that is all it was!! As much as I hate going through this, I am grateful for the time in history I live in. Women died from this all throughout history and I can only imagine what a painful death it was-starvation and dehydration has very painful side effects. There is no cure or even comfort through much of it, but there is treatment to keep my body from starvation and dehydration. The Lord also designed such a magnificent protection for the baby. One thing that is true, is that, the fact that I am so sick, means the baby is developing amazingly, getting all it needs. I may be suffering, but baby is not without! Obviously, left untreated, if my body began to shut down, the baby could not survive either,but that is not the case here.

I am trying to be patient now, for complete healing. Looking forward to those first kicks, which is only weeks away since I typically feel that around 14 weeks. I am overwhelmed by the way the Lord has sustained my family with the help form others and family. Looking forward to returning the favor some day!! Attempting to give my anxiety and discomfort over to the Lord.

Thank you for your continued prayers!!

A Few Days Behind Us....

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" Isaiah 40:29

Each day that passes feels like such an accomplishment right now. Life has been very stripped down for us. A little sad at Christmas time, but we keep remembering it is just for a season. We have seen the Lord's blessings begin to rain down which makes us feel like we can make it. Our wonderful church family has covered us with meals in the evenings. For Matt, that is huge! He loves to cook, but when he is working, being Mr Mom, and seeing to all the medical daily care for me, time for cooking seems to elude him-imagine that:)

Saturday was a good day for me, at least until the evening. I was able to go 48 hours with no vomiting, so Sat afternoon, I was actually able to eat a meal-oh wow, does food taste good when there is a lack of nausea. Matt grabbed me a sandwich from Panera-when I have the ability to eat, there is usually a very strong craving that goes along with it. But by the evening, those 48 hours of freedom was over. I had a very rough night and Sunday was horrible. It was another day of tears and unrelenting vomiting. I had been so hoping to be up and around when the kids got home from my parents. It was so good to see them and have them home again.

But today seems to be another mild day. I am far from 100%, but I am more than happy to be at 80%. Sat at the breakfast table with the family, took a shower(heaven), and have held down one of Matt's wonderful pancakes. Monday mornings are our big family breakfasts, since Matt is off. The kids are enjoying the day and happy to be home. Matt was able to go visit one of our kids from church who is having some pretty serious surgery this morning. And my nurse has already been here to redress my PICC line sight. The redressing is both painful and soothing all in one. Unfortunately the cleaning tends to burn, but it also soothes the skin irritation as well. We will hopefully only need one nurse visit a week now. Matt is able to handle all of the care except the redressing. I work with a pharmacy who delivers all of the meds and supplies. Noah was quite sure that when all the boxes arrived the first time, that there were puppies in them(wouldn't that be nice!) Not exactly the presents you expect under the tree;).

On Friday I was blessed to have two letters arrive snail mail style. They arrived just before I had to go into the hospital to see if the baby was still alive. Talk about God's timing!! Letters of such encouragement and hope, so thankyou my sweet friends for being sensitive to the Holy Spirit-they were a "God Thing"!!

Lora, my sweet friend from Eager Hands made the most beautiful necklace of Hope for me. The two leaves represent healing (Rev 22:2) as well as being a symbol of baby and me.The emerald represents healing and new life. She believes the pearl represents how the Lord sees me and the purity of my heart that He now sees in me. She hammered the pendant to represent 2 Cor 4:8-9 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but do not despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." I was so blessed to wear this as I sat and waited at the hospital to see if our little babe was still with us. Thank you Lora, for a tangible and beautiful reminder of how precious it is to trust in the Lord during these trials! The Lord has given you such an amazing gift!!

My sweet sister Nicole, who lives too far away(Seattle) has blessed me with an early Christmas gift. She ordered the entire series of Dr Quinn, Medicine women on DVD. The minutes and hours can pass ever so slowly on my really hard days, and the TV can be a blessing and distraction, but I need to be so very careful of my choices of what to watch. For a spirit that is already discouraged, watching despair, violence, etc is not a good medicine! So these shows will offer hope. Nik has also taken on the job of buying Matt's stocking stuffers for me. I just need to get a list to her. She had helped me with this in my pregnancy with Noah as well. Such a huge gift since I cannot go out shopping. Thank you sis!! You are a lifesaver!!

My prayer today is that we can take the kiddos for a drive tonight to look at Christmas lights. A tradition I hope not to have to skip this year!! Praying that I will have strength for it. We have simple goals these days!

A Little Update...

Let's see, I believe I left off on Monday of this past week. As many of you know, I am expecting my 6th wee one. I am one of the 2% of women who struggle with hyperemesis or HG during pregnancy. I wanted to share this journey with others since we have experienced it multiple times and help to bring a little understanding to it.

So, Monday, I had the PICC line placed to allow for 24 hour IV infusion along with meds. When Tuesday rolled around, I met one of my nurses and she walked us through a refresher on the infusion pump, all the meds, etc. But I had been having such pain in my chest that was finally determined to be coming from all the acid I had been vomiting. So as soon as my nurse had me hooked up, Matt and I headed to the cancer care clinic in town for some new meds. The cancer clinic is one of the rare group of DRs and nurses that work with these pumps, nausea, etc. I have been there in other pregnancies as well. My doctor wanted to try something new, they were adding Pepcid to my infusion. It is supposed to help with reducing the production of acid and help to digest food quickly. I was also receiving a pain shot since I could not hold down anything for pain orally. The nurse there was so sweet and helpful. I have been since then, adding the Pepcid everyday to the IV solution and this is the first time I have actually seen a real difference. I have gone 36 hours without vomiting-a true miracle. The zofran I have always taken for nausea never seemed to help a whole lot. And Reglan, another anti nausea med, I have a bed reaction to. But right now, I have 3 IV doses of zofran and 2 doses of Pepcid. I am also receiving vitamins through the IV solution-this is a first for me on that as well. All of them working together, seem to be helping. I have eaten some very small meals and held it down. Huge victory.

On Wednesday, when my nurse came, she noticed that there was some swelling in my right calf, and upon looking more closely, she thought it may be a blood clot, so we were out the door again to the hospital. Thankfully my team of nurses and DRs were able to have me seen as an outpatient instead of having to wait hours in the ER. I had a dopler test done on my leg and it showed no blood clot, Praise the Lord!! But by this time, with all of the chaos, my mom was on her way to stay with the kids and help me. Wednesday nights are pretty full evening for us, so this came as an upset that left us scrambling a bit to figure out how to make everything work. Some friends from church graciously took over Matt's responsibilities in youth group, another couple of friends came to pick up our older kids for church, and another friend was going to take our little ones for the night if need be. The hospital had us in and out though in time for Matt to get to youth group and mom arrived 20 minutes after he left for church to help me with the little ones.

Thursday, was the first day I was home all day. Mom got all of the kids except Cole packed up and was taking them home with her. Giving them a break from the chaos, giving me a chance to rest, and giving Cole a bit of a break as well from managing things around here when Matt was at work. I was really sick on Thursday though. And before Matt left for youth group that night, I just wept while we sat at the edge of our bed. I felt like I could not do it any longer. I had no relief the idea of months more of this was more than I could handle at that moment. So, as I wept, Matt prayed for relief, for healing, and for comfort. I had such pain from not eating that I couldn't take it anymore and had some mashed potatoes made. I slowly ate them while I was in bed and then fell asleep. I woke hours later feeling a bit better, and as time went on, I was surprised to see that my meal was staying with me. That night, I slept really good, and woke up feeling much much better. A step in a good direction.

So Friday, I managed to hold down some more potatoes and did not have any vomiting. We had to cal my nurse though because my PICC line was leaking. She came over and was able to get it working right again. There are so many little things that can go wrong with the PICC. My arm gets achy from it and itches horribly from the dressing. I have the dressing changed once a week and I remember how good it felt to have the old dressing pulled. It makes life a bit more difficult, hard to take showers because it cannot get wet. So preparing for a shower is a lot of work. It makes sleeping a bit difficult too. Last night, somehow I would my line around my neck while sleeping. Many nights we are awoken to the pump alarm going off because somehow I have kinked the line. I have a little pack that I carry around the IV solution in, which is much more convenient than having a big ol' IV pole to trip over. The kids are good about being careful not to tug on the line. It is almost discreet enough to go out in public with and not draw too much attention, which I am thankful for, although I do not have much energy to go out anymore.

By yesterday afternoon, I had started to bleed. It was crushing to have to call Matt at work to tell him. Because I had been feeling better and then this, I was sure that I had lost the baby. My team of Drs and nurses sure jumped to get me in and find out what was going on. My exam showed positive results but we still needed to have an ultrasound to make sure. The hospital was so busy, so the Dr seeing me, took Matt and I up to another dept that was closed for the weekend and did my ultrasound there. Sure enough, there was that tiny little heart just beating as strong as it could-amazing!! She let us just watch the baby for awhile. What relief!! Matt and I had braced for the worst. And my biggest fear was that I was afraid I could not try again after how hard this pregnancy had already been. It is one thing to be surprised and know you need to see something through because the Lord has handed you this amazing gift. But it is another to willingly walk into it knowing, fresh in your mind, the hardships that await you! Thank you Jesus for choosing what we did not have the strength to!! We are so excited!!

Some wonderful friends had dropped dinner off for Matt and Cole-what a blessing!! And I was so excited to see a big pan of assorted homemade Christmas cookies!!! I have been so bummed that I could not bake this Christmas for the kids. This is the first of Christmas goodies around here! It was so good to see Matt finally sit down and eat when we got home from the hospital. Cole helped out by signing for my medical supply delivery while we were gone. He let our friends in too.

So it is Saturday morning, I am doing alright, Matt is working on all the shipping for my shop and then we will try to get a handle on the house. I am hoping he and Cole can get out and do something together later too. Cole and Matt need a break big time. The rest of the kiddos will be coming home tomorrow. We miss them.We will work for one more week on school and then break until after the New Year.

To My Sweet Little One...

My Strong Little One Growing Safe Inside Me,

This has been a very long and difficult week. I have been seen either by the Doctor or the hospital at least once each day. Yesterday was the hardest day of them all. I thought I had lost you. I had been feeling much better for almost a day and then I started to bleed. I thought for sure with those two things, that you were gone. The hardest part was to tell your Daddy, he was crushed, he has been so excited about you, and doesn't mind a bit taking care of me until you arrive. Mama has such a wonderful team of doctors that worked quickly to see what was going on. One of the Doctors even brought us in to a part of the hospital that was closed for the weekend in order to find out if you were still growing safely. Jesus has just prepared everything we have needed before we even need it. The Dr made sure to let us know quickly how you were, and to our amazement, there was your tiny heart just beating away. She let us just watch you for awhile. What a miracle you are! What fun it will be to bring you to meet all of the doctors and nurses that have rallied around Dad and I during this time and have shown such compassion. We are blessed.

Your Grandma Lois rushed out Wednesday evening to help me and your brothers and sisters. She took all of them home with her for awhile except for Your oldest brother Cole, who wanted to stay and help me here. I am so thankful for her and all the help. Couldn't make it through without her. I miss them all though, but know they are doing well without having to worry through all of these adjustments being made here at home.

I can't wait until next Christmas, when you are here with us. What a celebration that will be!! With all my love sweet little one, Mama

A little Update...

It has been a very rough week. I went from being an active mama and wife to being completely unable to care for myself in a matter of a week. My hyperemesis has hit with a vengeance. I spent Sunday night in the ER being rehydrated after days of unrelenting vomiting and an inability to hold anything down. After making it home after 1 am, we were back at the doctor at 9am to begin the process of home health care. I had to have an emergency ultrasound to make sure the baby was safe. We were blessed to hear that strong little heartbeat and I was overwhelmed by that sound. Next was the surgery to place my PICC line. We finally arrived back home for good after 5. It was amazing how the Lord granted strength to get through such a long day, but I had a great deal of pain throughout the evening from the surgery with no ability to manage pain since nothing stays down. So there were some pretty dark hours I felt like giving up in. The vomiting does not cease in the nighttime hours, so I struggle to get any sleep. But morning has come and with it, a small amount of relief, a little less pain and a few hours void of the constant wretching. Matt is home today to meet my new nurse and learn how to care for the PICC line and infusion I will be getting round the clock. It helps a great deal to have him hear. The kids of course have pitched in a great deal, but are struggling for sure. They struggle in different ways especially depending on their ages. This is the part I hate the most. Sometimes I wish I could hide all of it from them. I know it scares them, I see it, and even though they have been through it before, it is still hard. Life just gets a major upset. It was hard to even figure out when to get groceries in the middle of all of it. So 10pm last night, Matt finally got out for some. Madi has taken on a partnership with Matt in making the list as well as seeing to all of the laundry and much of the care of the little ones. They are a good team. Cole is my comic and tries to make me laugh, which I hate to admit, but it doesn't come easy. And he is also the one that holds down the fort every time Matt and I need to be gone. Joslyn is the easy going,"it's going to be ok" one, but also super sensitive to always making sure to come and give me a kiss,rub my back and just make sure I am not alone. Bell is in a unique age, able to not understand completely and be able to play with Noah like nothing has changed, but does have those moments when it hits pretty hard and she just really needs to crawl in bed with me and cuddle. She fell asleep in my arms last night after a good amount of tears. And Noah, he is just curious about it all and not too fazed by it. He is another good cuddler which I am grateful for. And Matt, well, he is just amazing. The amount he takes on is overwhelming but he does it with such grace and care.

There you have it, a little view into the life of an HG pregnancy. It may be a little too real and raw, so I apologize. The weeks ahead seem so very long, but I know there is an end with a super sweet blessing;) May the Lord bless all of you this Christmas season and be your strength for the difficult passages you may be going through!

To My Sweet Little One...

Sweet Little One growing inside me, I have dreamed of you forever but never knew I would have the chance to meet you someday. You are the seventh child I always wanted. You have 2 charming brothers and 3 beautiful sisters, and one sibling in the arms of Jesus we look forward to meeting some day together, all of us. There is so much I want to tell you and your brothers and sisters. See, I get really sick in order to bring you into this world. I have always dreamed of waiting for my babes with energy and health, but Jesus just made me different, and I trust Him for this even when it makes me really sad. Today has been a hard day, and I know that it is not going to change for quite awhile. I was feeling really scared about the days ahead, I was not wanting your brothers and sisters to struggle and feel alone because I am sick, and Jesus whispered an idea in my heart. You are so small right now, I cannot feel you kicking yet, the 34 weeks until you get here seem so far away, and sometimes it is hard to remember what the suffering is for, so I thought that if I write you and let you know how much you are loved, then maybe that hope will continue to help these days pass.

I heard your heartbeat yesterday for the first time, I was overwhelmed at the sound. No matter how many times I have had a child growing in me, it never becomes ordinary or common, it is truly amazing, and there is an instant and unexplainable love that comes from hearing your tiny little heart beating. God is forming you and knows all of your days already and He is protecting you from the storm waging outside my womb. I know He has a plan for you and I am the tool to bring you life, so I have no question of the worth in the pain. I do wish for deliverance from it often and do get discouraged and even wonder why the suffering is necessary, but I know He is in control and with me through it.

We are anxious to meet you, the days will not go fast enough. We are so grateful to the Lord for the gift of your life. Love Your Mama