Thursday, August 30, 2012

Can't Be In Two Places at Once and Peanut Butter Cookie Dough

The week leading up to last Saturday was especially difficult for me in the area of mama-hood.  That stark contrast of stages between high school son and newborn son hit hard in decisions I had to make.  This past year we were blessed with the chance to finally have Cole, our oldest, in football-so it has been especially fun to watch him.  He had spent the year weight lifting in preparation for the football season and the summer has been practice practice practice-but we are now into the football game season.  I had looked forward to this time throughout my entire pregnancy with Israel and knew it would be interesting to be bringing a newborn to watch Cole's football games, but never thought it would actually be impossible, so this last Saturday brought a rude awakening to this mama's heart!  Cole's first game was this past Saturday, and unfortunately with a husband as a youth pastor, it fell on a weekend that Matt had a retreat for the Jr Highers at church, which left me needing to make the trip by myself.  When the reality of this trip began to sink in-2 hours away-4 little kids by myself(one being only 5 weeks old)-no place to really nurse the babe-and then mid 90's and no shade-I spent the week telling myself a great mom could make it work-so figure it out Amanda!  But that just didn't change reality and I finally had to make a very hard decision that for as much as I am Cole's mom, I am also Israel's mom and going just was not possible.  I wept when I finally told Cole and he just smirked at me and said "I know mom, it's O...K..." I would not have wrestled so if I knew Matt would be there, but I felt so strongly that at least one of us should be there to cheer him on, be there in case he got hurt etc. And I simply wanted him to feel I was just as attentive to him as I am to our new little babe.

So Saturday arrived, first I saw Matt and Madi off to the retreat at 6 am and then I saw Cole off to his game at 7:30 just went on without me for the 2 older kiddos.  I went about my daily care of the little ones, but I will admit, it was a bad day.  I was weepy, withdrawn, and ate about a pound of peanut butter cookie dough and drank a 2 liter of Mt dew "DEALING" with the reality of not being able to be in 2 places at once.  Feeling that there had been no good decision in this matter.  And sometimes, that is simply life-it is not always going to work out "perfectly" the way we think we are promised.  Sometimes we are going to have to let go of the "ideas" that we have created about what the perfect mom is.  And if we don't do that, it will actually hurt our kiddos in the long run.  Hopefully my children will struggle less with the ideas of what good parents are and the false ideas we all create, because they have watched Matt and I work these things out.

The blessing about Cole's game, my dad went to see him play, so he was not alone!  And for a dad with 3 daughters, watching his grandson play football was pretty special and I am glad for that bond.  Even better, Cole's team won!  But now it is my turn-this Saturday I will be going with the entire family to see Cole play-for this I am very excited!!

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